Autism and restaurants – my first experience with discrimination

I can’t remember how old I was. I think I was 13 or 14. So it wasn’t very long after Karan received his autism diagnosis.

The semblance of “normal life” was slowly slipping away from our family. We’d stopped doing random things we used to do together. Gone were trips to the cinema, gone were long drives, and something that completely shattered our going out to restaurants happened.

One night, we’d decided to go out for a meal. We went to an Indian, vegetarian restaurant in Dubai, that we used to frequent a lot many years ago. Karan was still 4 or 5 at this time.

We sat down to eat, placed our order. Karan started whining a little bit; we realized eventually it was the noise in the restaurant bothering him. He kept crying for a bit, as we tried to calm him down. It didn’t work immediately; his diagnosis was new enough that we were still at a learning curve, still working out how to handle him.

After a lot of stares, mutterings and pointed glares, the restaurant manager came over to our table.

We pretty much got kicked out of the restaurant.

Apparently the other diners complained about my brother and the nuisance he was causing, and the manager said it was better we left. When we tried to protest and explain the situation (“this child has special needs” etc), we heard a rather loud: “Why don’t they keep their retarded children at home?” comment.

We left.

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I think it scarred us for life. We tried going to another restaurant weeks later, but as soon as Karan kicked up a fuss, we upped and left. Perhaps my parents didn’t want a repeat getting-thrown-out scenario. We’ve never really gone to a restaurant since. Food courts yes (let’s face it, even if Karan screams like a banshee, no one’s going to hear him there), restaurants no.

I accept it wasn’t completely the manager’s fault; I imagine the diners were having a go at him and upset about their meal being “spoiled” by the crying child. But there was clearly no policy on dealing with situations like this. Yes, it was a nascent time then for special needs, but oh lord, how it hurt. How it hurt.

I don’t blame my parents for leaving. But I now realize that had I been older and in a position to make the decision, I would not have left. My mother and I have realized (in hindsight), that there’s no point in tucking our tails between our legs and running. It’s important to stand and fight.

You might say, surely we have a responsibility to not bother other people.

Well, I’m SORRY if my brother’s autism bothers you, but frankly, I’m just going to tell you to get stuffed. Who the hell are you to tell me that you’re entitled to enjoy a meal with your family at a nice place, and I am not? My brother is not?

Now you’ll say, well he was crying anyway so he clearly wasn’t enjoying it. No, he wasn’t. I agree. My point is, with autism, he needs to be exposed to “normal” things that everyone else is. I want him to go out, I want him to experience what everyone else does. By shutting ourselves at home, we’re just segregating ourselves more than YOU are already doing with your behaviour towards us.

So yes, I will take Karan to restaurants and places where he may cry or kick up a fuss. I will stay as long as I can with him to acclimatise him to the surroundings because it is important to him, and to us. For example, I took him to Chili’s on his birthday a few years ago; we got him molten chocolate cake to celebrate (he loved the cake there FYI). He did make a little noise (happy noises to be fair!) and kept trying to bang the cutlery on the table, but if anyone looked at us oddly, I glared back. It’s my thing.

I dare you to tell me to leave. I’m older, bigger and frankly, have had it with your shit.

Oh and that restaurant that told us they’d rather we left before they evicted us? We never frequented it again.

Cross-posted on Autism & Us

 

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7 thoughts on “Autism and restaurants – my first experience with discrimination

  1. Thanks for this Devina. I completely agree that you should stand and fight. I have been to many a restaurants where my baby has cried, kicked a fuss, banged the tables, dropped cutlery, etc. No one ever mentioned anything about throwing us out. Why? Because thats what kids do…so then why should your brother be treated differently? Thats what autistic kids do…just deal with it mister. You should tell us which restaurant, though. Will make sure I dont go there…

  2. Devina – your writing is so strong yet so humbling. Well, I can feel for you. I care for your brother as much as I would care for my own brother. You made me so emotional.

  3. Great post – we too have experienced glances and outright rude stares from people at our son. We still go, but it takes nerves of steel.

  4. First, an overall thank you to everyone who commented. Autism-related issues are important to me, and this was my first real understanding that something was different, and was always going to be different in my life.Now, for individual responses:Holly, thank you and I’m glad this helped in some way.Abigail, much appreciated :)Nasreen, I’m not sure I want to name-and-shame publicly, since I don’t have proof other than my word and that won’t count for much should the restaurant see this and decide to do a Benihana. I can however, provide that information privately to anyone who asks.Rebecca, thanks, I try to be amazing haha.Ishita – Thanks and glad we’ve connected :)Tania – Nerves of steel it is! I think families with special needs have to develop them anyway; we would never survive otherwise.

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